I wonder how much longer i can go? My brain is crowded, stuffy, and slow. Needles prick me all through the day, walking, or even when I lay Words come out jumbled and backwards and sometimes, not at all. Making me feel embarrassed and ever so small.
Aches and pains I can’t explain, like shots to my heart, and even to my brain. Sleepless nights and long painful days. Still I beg, plead and I pray. Will I ever not want to just sleep? Will I ever be able to mop and sweep? Will I be able to run and play.. no not now, not today…..
Again I wake up feeling like hell… I get made up, and pretend all is well. Off to work I go, in excruciating pain, and moving slow. I put a smile on my face. As I mentally prepare to join the working race. I must be as quick and as happy as most, but my body hurts and is stiff as a post.
I smile, nod and I wave, to all those having such a wonderful day. I work all day until I can’t move, drive home crying, and crawl into bed to watch the news. Waiting for a cure, or a new study, Maybe someone can tell me why my brain is so muddy? Why can’t I think straight, or why OH WHY is living in pain my fate? What did I do wrong, what did I say? Still my questions go unanswered another day…
I barely get by everyday… and wonder when all this pain will go away. I will continue to hold to my faith ever so tight all through the day and into the night I’m not ready to give up, I want to fight, but feeling like this, just isn’t right. I hope my family and friends know… my heart is strong, but my body just won’t go. I can’t suck it up, or push it away, the aches and pains are here to stay. Medicines and creams I have tried….
Why won’t anyone believe me when I cry? To you I may seem overweight and lazy, to you I might seem weak and crazy. Well sometimes I too see that in the mirror, with each day passing my fears get bigger and bigger. There is no cure for this thing, there’s no way to feel normal or sane. All I can do is get by, again I tell you, it’s very real, no lie. You say I look fine, and just like everybody else..
Have you felt knives jabbing at you, is that good health? Do you feel the fatigue of a sloth, do you wonder around aimlessly like a blind moth? Does every touch, slap and squeeze make you cringe? Do you lay in bed all day on a binge? Do you get anxious and can’t sleep? Do you question your own beliefs? What would you do if you could barely walk? Or have people staring at you strangely when you talk? Would you be able to just “shake it off”?
Well if you could you are better than I, because even though I appear normal, every night I cry. For a life I once had, for happiness and strength and not to feel so sad. I’m in a living nightmare although you see, a smiling, working person, acting as normal as can be. by- Mikalyn Knepp. Member of Closed Support Group “Living with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Illness” to join click here.
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